Suffering...

On 26th of jan Republic day is celebrated in India. And I was with my friends in jaiselmer Thar desert. It was ok, having fun but when there was bornfire and dance. A stage artist girl age between 20 and 30 she was dancing. It was cultural rajasthani dance. She was dancing well, and she was so good at dance. She also performed that trick of elastic body, moving her head in back ward direction and then she picked a metal plate through her teeth. And a guy came, I think he might be drunk. Then he kept the rs. 500 note in his mouth and half the note outside and asked that girl to perform same trick. A thought of slapping that moron came into my mind and changed to fantasy. Again when every one was dancing then some pervert males aged in their mid 30's and 40's just came near to her and I don't like the way they treated her. It was so fucking annoying. I really don't like such kind of acts. That crowd was not decent. I could see in their eyes, these idiotic perverts see her as a whore as their property. She was a nice decent dancer. Why they were looking and treating her like that?? Why??

According to Sigmund Freud the unfullfilled desired are stored into the unconscious mind.

My desire was to protect that girl, it just remain unfulfilled.

And that night I did which I was not supposed to do. I'm feeling guilty now, I'm suffering now. I will never do it ever again. I swear to myself. I will never repeat it again. My 4 friends have vomitting due to excessive drinking. Rishabh have the most awfull vomitting. He was suffering and strugling. I do whatever I could do. I am happy He thanked me for my help. But he didn't remember anything. And its ok. I mean its fine if you didn't remember how your wet lower was changed. I'm having dehydration now. I also didn't sleep well. And this tiring travel of bus. I hate it..

Now when I'm in train I'm writing this. The basic problem with me is that I'm too much sensitive. And I trust people too early I easily trust their fakeness. Humans are natural actor. I really like people who are not fake and idealistic. The very best in them is that they don't pretend they are who they are. I have met very few of kind.

I don't want money and success in life.. I just want to see good people around me. Money can't buy such things. I just want to purify myself. I sometimes hate that I'm human being....